To my son, an FYI: I'll slap the cuffs on you myself if you opt for saggy pants

THE OFFENSE

Dear son,

By now you've no doubt heard about the University of New Mexico football player who was arrested for refusing to pull his pants up on an airline flight.

I thought I'd clarify my position for you on the whole saggy pants question, should you ever at some point, my dear boy, consider such a fashion statement.

If you were in this young man's position and facing criminal charges, I just want you to know one thing: I'll do everything in my power to see that you're prosecuted to the full extent of the law. I'd volunteer my time to prosecutors in gathering evidence against you. I'd hire outside private investigators to dig dirt up on you to make sure your name and reputation are destroyed beyond repair. I'd personally launch a social media campaign to raise awareness about your abhorrent fashion sense, which would include but not be limited to the following: that photo of you in your sister's dress, chemical analysis of that baseball jersey you refuse to take off, remedial education on shoe tying and shoe wearing, a strongly worded letter from your mother about what she'll do to you if you insist on running around in the back yard in just your socks again.

Son, I know you've never worn your pants like this and I don't think you ever would. But I've noticed lately that some of your friends are starting to obsess about their looks and about being what you kids refer to as "cool." Noah's been cocking his hat to the side, and that kid who lives by the pool has been spending an awful lot of time on his hair. I know these boys are friends of yours and you admire them. But I'm concerned one of them might decide to adopt a saggy-pants look and you, wanting to be cool yourself, might decide to give it a try. If you do, you can expect the following sanctions:

THE BOY

* Disownment.
* Shunning.
* Relinquishment of your entire collection of baseball cards, as well as your baseball autographed by Johnny Bench.
* Complete banishment from the World ... (of Warcraft.)
* Cancellation of cable.
* Voiding of the Spring Lake Park pool pass.

Please know I take this seriously. Never has there been a more ridiculous and embarrassing fashion trend. I'd rather see you wear a sailor suit to school than to wear your pants hanging past your ass.

Consider yourself warned, buster.

Sincerely,

Your loving dad.