I've created a monster! Apologies to any parents who have had to endure a "your face is ..." joke

I've always wanted to be the brains behind a phrase that catches on. You know, be the guy behind a really epic insult or the newest, coolest way to show approval of something ("cool," "bitchin'," "fresh," "gnarly," "dope," "hot," "sick.") I mean, how cool would it be to be the one who came up with "Yo mama" jokes? Schwarzenegger is more well known for saying, "I'll be back," than anything he ever did as governator.

Which brings me to the point of today's blog update. To a small elementary-school crowd, I may have gotten my wish. And you can sort of file this one under the category of, "be careful what you wish for."

The origin of this phrase, even to me, is somewhat murky. But the general details go something like this:

My daughter and I were hurling insults back and forth one day (a common occurrence in my home) when I sort of stumbled upon a a rip on her that, while it was juvenile and absurd, felt kinda good.

She'd said something along the lines of, "Dad, that's disgusting," to which I replied, "Your face is disgusting."

I could see that this one had gotten under her skin, so I kept up with it. And when she said, "Dad, that's really dumb," I'd immediately retort, "Your face is really dumb," which made he even madder. This vicious cycle continued until she got to a boiling point which everyone in the house is very familiar. So I stopped. But a sure fire way to get under her skin was born. Anything she said could be turned into a "your face" joke, and the more it failed to follow the rules of logic or the more it made sense -- and the more you pretended like it was a major burn on her -- the better it worked.

So I kept doing it, and she kept getting angry. And, eventually, my son figured this out.

Now, I don't need to tell anyone with more than one child this, but for those of you who don't get it, I'll briefly explain. No fights are more epic than those between rival siblings. ESPECIALLY when you've got one boy and one girl, and EVEN MORE ESPECIALLY when the girl is the older, more responsible one, and the boy is the younger, more impulsive one. Fifth-grade boys are, perhaps, capable of the most irritatingly scathing behavior toward their older siblings. And this one's a genius at figuring out how to get under his sister's skin.

Sam learned of the "your face" joke not long after it's inauspicious debut, and he immediately began perfecting it.
What I had brought to the world as a quick insult, which would have died a quick death in my hands alone, was given new life in my son's hands. And he bludgeoned her with it. Daily. It prompted arguments, fist fights, and worst of all, threats of tickling to the point of loss of bladder control. When Sam gets going on something, he really gets going, and invariably he takes it too far. But even when he does, there's always been something so absurd, so unintelligently funny, so juvenile, so dumb about it that it became, well, sort of endearing. And so it's had some staying power at home.

And, apparently, at school.

I wasn't aware the "your face" joke was making the rounds at Monroe Elementary School until the other day when Sam came home and told me of how it's being used.

Another catch phrase used quite a bit by this generation is the utterance of the word "fail" when something goes wrong, when a joke falls flat, when a team gets clobbered in baseball, etc. So, naturally, the two forces of "your face" and "fail" were bound to collide, and collide they did. Eventually, some boy said to another, "fail!" to which the second boy replied, "your face is a fail!"

Now, normally, this is where it would end. But the clever boys of Monroe came up with this third insult to be slung, and this is where the regret comes in, and this is where I extend my fullest apology to the people at Monroe Elementary School, who have done a fine job of schooling my children and thousands of others.

The third insult in this string goes like this:

"Your dad's condom was a fail."

It's OK to laugh. I did. I couldn't help it. But then I was in a little bit of shock. There isn't a lot condom talk about the house, but I know Sam knows about them and what they're generally used for.

I didn't quite know what to say. Boys had been saying this at school to each other. And it's quite possible that they could get in trouble at home because of it. This isn't my fault at all, but I feel slightly responsible. Sort of like a genius who comes up with a great invention, only to have that invention used for evil.

The makers of the sling shot just wanted a more efficient way of rounding up dinner. Yet, thousands of years later, punks down the alley are using the invention to whip rocks through garage windows. Not the inventor's fault, but without his or her moment of genius, would that garage window have been plunked out?

Dare I say that, without my stroke of insult greatness, the condom-based addendum to the "your face" joke may have never happened.

Greatness, it seems, is easily co-opted.