You want a ride to school? (Snicker ... laugh ... howl!)

I spent some time with my mom this weekend. She called last week and said that if I didn't bring her grandkids to see her I'd could expect to be written completely out of what I'm sure is a vast inheritance.

So I complied and drove north to the Twin Cities for a visit with grandma. And as I'm wont to do on a lazy Sunday, I poured a hot cup of Joe, kicked back in the recliner and perused the Sunday Pioneer Press. It didn't take long to find an article that I'm still wondering whether it was actually a joke.

Here's the short version: In the city of Woodbury (where I actually lived for a few years, but in the slums of Woodbury, the townhomes, not the palacial estates of the Evergreen, Interlochen or Wedgewood neighborhoods) there are two elementary schools where not one kid walks to school. Not one.  At one of the schools, there's even a kid who lives a block away who gets a ride.

My reaction: "Are you f__ing kidding me?"

Before I judge -- and rest assured, I will judge -- I feel the need to summarize their reasons.

One said he fears predators. Another said the two-block ride to the school made  up a portion of the quality time he gets to spend with his grandson. Another cited the cold Minnesota weather. And finally, one mother said her kids are lazy, and it's just easier to give in than to take a stand on this.

My god. Seriously? After I read that piece, I got to thinking about Mankato. We've got neighborhood schools, sure, but some kids still end up walking up to -- GASP! -- 7 or 8 blocks. And many of them do. Drive by any Kato school at 7:45 a.m. and you'll see two things: a ton of parents dropping their kids off, and a steady stream of kids walking to school from all directions.

Am I guilty of occasionally driving my kids to school when they could just as easily walk? Sure. But the rule is simple: If there isn't a good reason to get a ride, you don't. And mine kids have been OK with that.

How ridiculous have things gotten in Woodbury where kids are getting a ride ONE BLOCK? Predators? In Woodbury? I get it, predators can exist anywhere. Obviously. But in what universe do you live if you think a kid isn't safe walking ONE BLOCK to school? Actually, statistics show that kids are getting abducted at far lower rates than 20 years ago. Still, people live with this irrational, illogical and baseless fear that a child molester is waiting in the bushes just around the corner from their house, just out of eyesight of mom, and he's been waiting there, watching the family, taking copious notes on their behaviors and patterns, profiling the family to ensure that the minute  junior is around that corner, he can take his shot, abduct that child. Or any child. Or,  hell, ALL THE CHILDREN. My god. Seriously?

And the guy who uses the 30-second drive to school as quality time? It's time for a serious renovation on what you consider quality time.

Cold? Guess what folks. For a long time, as long as I can remember, really, this has been MINNESOTA!!!. Every year, it gets cold here. And  we deal with it with coats and boots and hats and mittens. Use 'em. Junior will be fine.

And for that mom who just doesn't have the energy to encourage Junior to walk, I can only say this: Put your big girl pants on and being a parent, for chrissake.

Can't walk a few blocks to school? This is why the world  hates us.

C'mon, people.