An open letter to my daughter, who this fall will begin the most harrowing journey any girl ever has to face: high school.
Dear Emma ...
The other day, while we were picking up school supplies, I remembered back to a day, about a decade ago, when you and your mother and I walked through the crowded aisles at Target and picked up glue, colored pencils, tissues and everything else on that list, which we piled into your Barbie backpack and hauled to school for your first day of kindergarten.
I was scared. My little girl was venturing out into a world I knew nothing about, a world teeming with other little kids who may or may not like you and may want to swipe your glue ‹ a world where not everyone had been briefed on the fact that you were, in my mind, about to be the greatest thing that ever happened to elementary school.
Eventually, you made friends, no one stole your glue and everything turned
out OK. You performed well, made your mark, established yourself as a
caring, thoughtful person who can handle responsibility and be counted on to
carry out tough tasks. In short, you've become a young woman. Musically
talented, socially sound and academically superior, you're ready for
anything Mankato West High School may throw at you.
Still, I have to tell you, I'm a little frightened. Actually, I'm terrified.
Ten times more terrified than I was back when you were 5 and wearing a denim
jumper as you timidly walked into Mrs. Hoffart's classroom. Looking back on
it now, that was nothing. Of course it was nothing. Everyone was nice back
then. Kids just wanted to have fun, and their parents made sure, for the
most part, that their kids were polite and treated everyone ‹ as you were
taught ‹ with the respect they deserved.
But now, well, things are different. As you've come to learn, not everyone
is nice. And while kids still just want to have fun, some of that fun is a
little more dangerous and potentially life-changing than the stuff you did
when you in kindergarten. Instead of Polly Pockets, you may come across pot.
Instead of boys being dirty and smelly, you've no doubt discovered there's
something intriguing about some of them.
When you get to West, it's going to be a jungle, one you'll find both
exhilarating and exhausting. So I thought I'd throw together this
handy-dandy guide. Cut it out, throw it in your backpack or purse, refer to
it if you ever get into a situation where you think you might need the voice
of your old dad to lean on.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer
Dear Emma ...
The other day, while we were picking up school supplies, I remembered back to a day, about a decade ago, when you and your mother and I walked through the crowded aisles at Target and picked up glue, colored pencils, tissues and everything else on that list, which we piled into your Barbie backpack and hauled to school for your first day of kindergarten.
I was scared. My little girl was venturing out into a world I knew nothing about, a world teeming with other little kids who may or may not like you and may want to swipe your glue ‹ a world where not everyone had been briefed on the fact that you were, in my mind, about to be the greatest thing that ever happened to elementary school.
Eventually, you made friends, no one stole your glue and everything turned
out OK. You performed well, made your mark, established yourself as a
caring, thoughtful person who can handle responsibility and be counted on to
carry out tough tasks. In short, you've become a young woman. Musically
talented, socially sound and academically superior, you're ready for
anything Mankato West High School may throw at you.
Still, I have to tell you, I'm a little frightened. Actually, I'm terrified.
Ten times more terrified than I was back when you were 5 and wearing a denim
jumper as you timidly walked into Mrs. Hoffart's classroom. Looking back on
it now, that was nothing. Of course it was nothing. Everyone was nice back
then. Kids just wanted to have fun, and their parents made sure, for the
most part, that their kids were polite and treated everyone ‹ as you were
taught ‹ with the respect they deserved.
But now, well, things are different. As you've come to learn, not everyone
is nice. And while kids still just want to have fun, some of that fun is a
little more dangerous and potentially life-changing than the stuff you did
when you in kindergarten. Instead of Polly Pockets, you may come across pot.
Instead of boys being dirty and smelly, you've no doubt discovered there's
something intriguing about some of them.
When you get to West, it's going to be a jungle, one you'll find both
exhilarating and exhausting. So I thought I'd throw together this
handy-dandy guide. Cut it out, throw it in your backpack or purse, refer to
it if you ever get into a situation where you think you might need the voice
of your old dad to lean on.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer
I know you've got some close friends. Leah and Elizabeth and Kim ‹ and
Mikala and the rest of your Lancer family ‹ will always be there for you.
Keep them. And go out and get more. I know you've always been the kind of
kid to prefer a small group of close friends. That's fine. I actually prefer
it that way. Those girls will be like gold to you in high school. At West,
everyone will be taller than you, and when you get there, you might know 5
percent of the people. Also, most of those unfamiliar faces seemingly have a
lot of friends. This can be intimidating. Just know it's normal, and by next
fall you'll know just as many people, and have so many more new friends.
Perhaps more importantly, however, are the people you won't like. I know who
a few of them are, the ones you've told me about, the ones who bully, the
ones dubbed ³popular,² the ones you've heard speaking in hushed, derogatory
or gossipy tones about so and so, the ones you'd never hang out with because
of the way they treat people. Well, I think it'd be a good idea to be nice
to them, too.
Here's the truth of it: They are the way they are because of their parents.
The mean girls, the ones who gossip, the ones who everyone is afraid of, got
that way because their parents model that behavior at home, and the kids
learned it from them. And now, in the face of facts, their parents do
nothing to stop it. So, really, it's not entirely that girl's fault. Under
that facade is a good kid, one who may have even been at your birthday party
years ago when being popular and having the right friends didn't matter.
Besides, it's always good to be friends with the enemy. It helps you know
when the attack is coming.
Oh, and for the record, every one of those people will struggle when they
leave high school. When the social circles they've based so much of their
lives on are gone, their advantage will be gone as well. They'll have such a
hard time in college and life that, eventually, you'll pity them. Just keep
in mind, they were all good kids once. When they're working for you some
day, show mercy.
I know how much you like "South Park," so I tracked down this great quote
from Matt Stone, one of the show's creators. In the film "Bowling for
Columbine," filmmaker Michael Moore tried getting at the heart of Americans'
lust for guns, and how something like the tragedy at Columbine High School
in 1998 could have happened. That's where Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris
killed 12 students and a teacher before killing themselves in what remains
the worst high school shooting in the U.S. Stone. When asked about the
culture of high schools and how they contribute to the creation of social
pariahs and how all of that changes once you leave high school, he said:
"All the dorks in high school go on to do great things," he said, "and all
the really cool guys are living back in Littleton as insurance agents.
Almost person to person it's completely that way. And if someone could have
told them that, maybe they wouldn't have done it."
Not that you're a dork. Or have plans to shoot up a school. I'm just sayin'.
Always keep an open mind
I feel like I don't even need to tell you this, but I will anyway. Never
pass up an opportunity to experience something new, never let fear keep you
from going after something you want, and never let bullies or popular
opinion tell you how you should live or care.
Entering high school means entering a world where dozens of opportunities to
do stuff will bombard you. And I'm telling you that, even though your life
may already seem busy, you should do as many as you can. You never know when
the opportunity that changes your life may come along. You never know when
the chance to meet a person who will change your life may come along. It
wasn't until I left high school that I realized how badly I'd messed it up.
I didn't get involved in anything, didn't push beyond my comfort zone. I was
one-dimensional.
You are anything but, and I'm not at all worried about you having a high
school career like mine. But still, I must encourage you to pack your
schedule with so many things that it makes you scream.
And continue to have an open mind socially.
Pinned to your backpack last year was a button that said, ³Ally,² which was
surrounded by a rainbow. I was so proud that you felt strongly enough about
equal rights for gays and lesbians that you'd display your feelings on your
backpack, then walk down the halls of a place where not everyone felt the
same way.
You'll have opportunities to act on those beliefs. School groups exist for
you to join and stand up for the underdogs and the oppressed. That will be
the easy part. The not-so-easy part might be standing up for what you
believe in the hallway if someone challenges you. Hopefully you'll have a
strong and supportive circle of friends to back you up if you ever get in a
tough situation. Plus, you have my cell number, and know I'd come rescue you
at any time of day, no matter where in the world you are. I'll always have
your back.
Now, when I say keep an open mind, I mean about the positive stuff. Please
understand that I'd rather you not be open to experimenting with drugs,
alcohol or sex. In fact, I officially forbid you to engage in any of it.
Having said that, please know that should you find yourself in a situation
where you have experimented with drugs or alcohol and are in trouble or you
think you need to drive, you should stop what you're doing and call me. I'll
come get you, no questions asked. Should you experiment with sex and become
pregnant, you're on your own. (Of course I'm kidding. But, seriously, just
don't, OK?)
Look for people you want to emulate
In an unfamiliar and challenging situation, it helps to be able to look at
someone who is successful and say ‹ to quote a Michael Jordan advertising
campaign ‹ ³I can be like Mike.² And there are plenty of examples out there.
Being in Lancers, you've no doubt found a few role models who are doing
everything you want to be doing. I remember the day you came home at 7:30
a.m. after an all-night party. You'd had a grand time. But I recall that
grin on your face when you told me you'd gotten a ride home from Ann
Stevens, the senior drum major and leader of the Lancers. Ann, a senior, a
flute master, a swim team standout, an excellent student. She's all the
things you want to be. Use people like her as your example.
Try to choose wisely. That local girl from the "16 and Pregnant" MTV show?
She might seem successful to some because she's on TV, has a few thousand
Facebook followers and accomplished a live birth. But sweetie, that's not
the kind of success I'm talking about.
Be assertive
Em, we all know assertiveness isn't something you're known for. But this
would be an excellent time to make some changes for the better on that
front. You've said yourself you wish you could assert yourself a little
more.
I can't really tell you how to do that. But what I do know is that going to
a new school is like getting a clean slate. Have you seen the movie
"Heathers"? At the end, just before Christian Slater sets the timer on the
bomb that will blow himself up and absolve Winona Ryder of all wrongdoing
(and there was definitely some Winona Ryder wrongdoing,) he says to her,
"The slate is clean," then puts his arms out like he's Jesus on the cross
and exploded, and Winona goes on to a happy life, one free of the murder
charges she should have had.
Not the best analogy, but the point is that starting high school, in some
ways, gives you a clean slate to redefine some things. This would be a great
time to start sticking up for yourself, to not let that one friend of yours
engage in psychological warfare, to figure out ways to politely disagree
with people and forcefully state your opinions.
The slate is clean for a lot of things. Now's a great time to define who
you're going to be for the next four years.
Be you
None of the above advice should trump this one. Sweetie, I've known you for
14 and a half years, and I can't think of a reason under the sun why you
won't just completely blow high school out of the water. You're brilliant,
beautiful, thoughtful, funny, compassionate and clever. All of those things
will serve you well in high school.
But I'm not going to lie to you. High school can suck. It has the potential
to be hard and to get depressing and if you're not careful, it can end up
being a time you'd want to forget.
I'm betting, though, that if you just be you, and use your brain and, more
importantly, your heart, high school can be an amazing experience.
But don't go too fast. As much as I know you're a young woman embarking on
your next great adventure, to me you'll always be that little girl whose
hair I used to put in pigtails every morning, the girl who used to sit on
the living room floor with me and watch hockey and play with Duplos, the
girl with a binky in her mouth whom I used to lay next to every night until
she fell asleep.
If you don't mind, I'd like to keep you young for as long as possible.
Love,
Dad
Keep them. And go out and get more. I know you've always been the kind of
kid to prefer a small group of close friends. That's fine. I actually prefer
it that way. Those girls will be like gold to you in high school. At West,
everyone will be taller than you, and when you get there, you might know 5
percent of the people. Also, most of those unfamiliar faces seemingly have a
lot of friends. This can be intimidating. Just know it's normal, and by next
fall you'll know just as many people, and have so many more new friends.
Perhaps more importantly, however, are the people you won't like. I know who
a few of them are, the ones you've told me about, the ones who bully, the
ones dubbed ³popular,² the ones you've heard speaking in hushed, derogatory
or gossipy tones about so and so, the ones you'd never hang out with because
of the way they treat people. Well, I think it'd be a good idea to be nice
to them, too.
Here's the truth of it: They are the way they are because of their parents.
The mean girls, the ones who gossip, the ones who everyone is afraid of, got
that way because their parents model that behavior at home, and the kids
learned it from them. And now, in the face of facts, their parents do
nothing to stop it. So, really, it's not entirely that girl's fault. Under
that facade is a good kid, one who may have even been at your birthday party
years ago when being popular and having the right friends didn't matter.
Besides, it's always good to be friends with the enemy. It helps you know
when the attack is coming.
Oh, and for the record, every one of those people will struggle when they
leave high school. When the social circles they've based so much of their
lives on are gone, their advantage will be gone as well. They'll have such a
hard time in college and life that, eventually, you'll pity them. Just keep
in mind, they were all good kids once. When they're working for you some
day, show mercy.
I know how much you like "South Park," so I tracked down this great quote
from Matt Stone, one of the show's creators. In the film "Bowling for
Columbine," filmmaker Michael Moore tried getting at the heart of Americans'
lust for guns, and how something like the tragedy at Columbine High School
in 1998 could have happened. That's where Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris
killed 12 students and a teacher before killing themselves in what remains
the worst high school shooting in the U.S. Stone. When asked about the
culture of high schools and how they contribute to the creation of social
pariahs and how all of that changes once you leave high school, he said:
"All the dorks in high school go on to do great things," he said, "and all
the really cool guys are living back in Littleton as insurance agents.
Almost person to person it's completely that way. And if someone could have
told them that, maybe they wouldn't have done it."
Not that you're a dork. Or have plans to shoot up a school. I'm just sayin'.
Always keep an open mind
I feel like I don't even need to tell you this, but I will anyway. Never
pass up an opportunity to experience something new, never let fear keep you
from going after something you want, and never let bullies or popular
opinion tell you how you should live or care.
Entering high school means entering a world where dozens of opportunities to
do stuff will bombard you. And I'm telling you that, even though your life
may already seem busy, you should do as many as you can. You never know when
the opportunity that changes your life may come along. You never know when
the chance to meet a person who will change your life may come along. It
wasn't until I left high school that I realized how badly I'd messed it up.
I didn't get involved in anything, didn't push beyond my comfort zone. I was
one-dimensional.
You are anything but, and I'm not at all worried about you having a high
school career like mine. But still, I must encourage you to pack your
schedule with so many things that it makes you scream.
And continue to have an open mind socially.
Pinned to your backpack last year was a button that said, ³Ally,² which was
surrounded by a rainbow. I was so proud that you felt strongly enough about
equal rights for gays and lesbians that you'd display your feelings on your
backpack, then walk down the halls of a place where not everyone felt the
same way.
You'll have opportunities to act on those beliefs. School groups exist for
you to join and stand up for the underdogs and the oppressed. That will be
the easy part. The not-so-easy part might be standing up for what you
believe in the hallway if someone challenges you. Hopefully you'll have a
strong and supportive circle of friends to back you up if you ever get in a
tough situation. Plus, you have my cell number, and know I'd come rescue you
at any time of day, no matter where in the world you are. I'll always have
your back.
Now, when I say keep an open mind, I mean about the positive stuff. Please
understand that I'd rather you not be open to experimenting with drugs,
alcohol or sex. In fact, I officially forbid you to engage in any of it.
Having said that, please know that should you find yourself in a situation
where you have experimented with drugs or alcohol and are in trouble or you
think you need to drive, you should stop what you're doing and call me. I'll
come get you, no questions asked. Should you experiment with sex and become
pregnant, you're on your own. (Of course I'm kidding. But, seriously, just
don't, OK?)
Look for people you want to emulate
In an unfamiliar and challenging situation, it helps to be able to look at
someone who is successful and say ‹ to quote a Michael Jordan advertising
campaign ‹ ³I can be like Mike.² And there are plenty of examples out there.
Being in Lancers, you've no doubt found a few role models who are doing
everything you want to be doing. I remember the day you came home at 7:30
a.m. after an all-night party. You'd had a grand time. But I recall that
grin on your face when you told me you'd gotten a ride home from Ann
Stevens, the senior drum major and leader of the Lancers. Ann, a senior, a
flute master, a swim team standout, an excellent student. She's all the
things you want to be. Use people like her as your example.
Try to choose wisely. That local girl from the "16 and Pregnant" MTV show?
She might seem successful to some because she's on TV, has a few thousand
Facebook followers and accomplished a live birth. But sweetie, that's not
the kind of success I'm talking about.
Be assertive
Em, we all know assertiveness isn't something you're known for. But this
would be an excellent time to make some changes for the better on that
front. You've said yourself you wish you could assert yourself a little
more.
I can't really tell you how to do that. But what I do know is that going to
a new school is like getting a clean slate. Have you seen the movie
"Heathers"? At the end, just before Christian Slater sets the timer on the
bomb that will blow himself up and absolve Winona Ryder of all wrongdoing
(and there was definitely some Winona Ryder wrongdoing,) he says to her,
"The slate is clean," then puts his arms out like he's Jesus on the cross
and exploded, and Winona goes on to a happy life, one free of the murder
charges she should have had.
Not the best analogy, but the point is that starting high school, in some
ways, gives you a clean slate to redefine some things. This would be a great
time to start sticking up for yourself, to not let that one friend of yours
engage in psychological warfare, to figure out ways to politely disagree
with people and forcefully state your opinions.
The slate is clean for a lot of things. Now's a great time to define who
you're going to be for the next four years.
Be you
None of the above advice should trump this one. Sweetie, I've known you for
14 and a half years, and I can't think of a reason under the sun why you
won't just completely blow high school out of the water. You're brilliant,
beautiful, thoughtful, funny, compassionate and clever. All of those things
will serve you well in high school.
But I'm not going to lie to you. High school can suck. It has the potential
to be hard and to get depressing and if you're not careful, it can end up
being a time you'd want to forget.
I'm betting, though, that if you just be you, and use your brain and, more
importantly, your heart, high school can be an amazing experience.
But don't go too fast. As much as I know you're a young woman embarking on
your next great adventure, to me you'll always be that little girl whose
hair I used to put in pigtails every morning, the girl who used to sit on
the living room floor with me and watch hockey and play with Duplos, the
girl with a binky in her mouth whom I used to lay next to every night until
she fell asleep.
If you don't mind, I'd like to keep you young for as long as possible.
Love,
Dad
I had two children go through Mankato West and it was awesome. Amazing, marvelous teachers and wonderful students are the rule not the exception.
ReplyDeleteI must warn you though, Dad, that it flies by way too quickly.